When I first went to get my blood tested, my hcg level was 44. Two days later it was 72. It didn't exactly double. Then, four days later it was 106.
At this point, they believed that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Oddly this confirmed fears I had been having based on symptoms I had read on the Internet. BTW: I will make a post about how I am quitting my addiction to the Internet soon!!! I immediately began to pray and ask many others to pray too because the nurse told me that I would probably lose a tube by the end of the week. Waiting to take another test two days later was very hard. I cringed with nervousness, and I could not relax. When the results were given to me, I was told that my hcg level was 52. They said that this was consistent with a miscarriage - chemical pregnancy.
So, I don't know if I had an ectopic or chemcial pregnancy, but I do know that God is taking care of me and that he took care of the situation.
Oddly, I did feel a great sense of relief. I was almost excited. God answered my prayers! I know that sounds bad, but I truly did not want to lose a tube even though I know many women who have had many babies with just one tube. That just wasn't the desire of my heart.
And even though I feared I would lose my tube, I did feel that God told me from the beginning of that ride of emotions that I would not lose a tube.
I wish I could just hear God's voice and run with it, instead of worrying still. I know worrying does not add one single day to my life!!!!
My principal told me that I could tell all the people in the world to pray, but that didn't matter if I didn't have Faith! And, she's RIGHT! I know that, but I'm still crazy. It's like I'm begging God to give me Faith like a mustard seed. I can't just have it - I have to beg for it! Why is that? I need to have more FAITH! So, I'm going to go buy books on the subject. Isn't that bad? It's like I'm saying let's buy some Faith! I almost feel like Faith is a gift. As a matter of fact, I think I read that the other day.
Dear Lord,
Give me the gift of FAITH.
Your lovely daughter,
Kimberly.
Well, now I'm sad and confused. I hate to think about WHY this happened. Every answer that runs through my head is disappointing. Also, I'm not about to go looking for solutions on the Internet. I'm trying to quit that addiction - remember?
Also, I'm just sad. I can't figure out this puzzle. Right now it just seems like what's right for me, isn't right to God. Or, is what's right to me right for God? That would mean that it would be a lot longer before I get pregnant again. I don't know! I can't wrap my mind around it!
But, I do know that God knows what's best. And, I seem to think God wants me to expect the unexpected. So, is God going to work everything out according to His riches and glory? Of course!!!
That's my King!
Love,
Kim
"More than Enough" ~ Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir
FYI: My post from September 12th, was written when I began to have fears that something was wrong, and I was trying to have Faith! There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm going to keep working on it! "He's still working on me!"
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